The Leading Lady
by Catharsisisforlosers
Summary: Rory Gilmore is back in town for Lorelai's wedding. But when a ghost from her past shows up, she finds that she needs to break vows she once made to truly be there for the vows her mother will make.
1. Chapter 1

Rory looked over at her mother in the dim lighting of Miss Patty's. They were at the town meeting, and while Lorelai was tired and half-asleep, she was also glowing; she couldn't stop smiling and her face was radiant. By extension, Rory was required to feel a similar was, especially because one of the single most important events of both of their lives was happening in three days. And yet. Rory had gotten a gnawing feeling in her stomach from the moment she had stepped on the flight to Connecticut, to her home of Stars Hollow. She was truly happy for her mother and for Luke and she had known they would fall in love and get married from the second she saw the two of them meet, but the sight of seeing her mother with this new life, with this new adventure she was taking on without her, it made her feel sick. It reminded her of… _'It reminds me of Dad when he married Sherry and had Gigi.' _Rory had confessed to Lane a few days ago.

"Rory?"

"Huh?" Luke had caught her off guard; Rory was still deep in thought.

"We're heading over to the diner. You'll be okay alone at home, right? I don't think Lorelai's up for the walk home, so we're gonna crash at my apartment." Luke explained. He was looking worriedly at Rory, and she felt that he could sense something was wrong. He knew her too well.

"Yeah, I'm good. I'm used to sleeping alone." God! Why had she said that? She felt warm, and she knew she was turning red. Of course, it was true. She hadn't been in a real relationship since Logan. She had just been too busy. And it's not that she regretted being cut off from having a real social life. She had made the decision when she started at the New Yorker: she had told herself that while she was getting her feet off of the ground, she had to focus and avoid distraction. But sharing this detail regarding her dating life with Luke… well, it was a little embarrassing.

"Right, well, you have a, good night." Luke was obviously baffled by Rory's confession, and as he dragged a sleepy Lorelai out of Miss Patty's, he looked at her over his shoulder and had pity on his face. Great. Luke Danes, the hermit, was getting married in less than a week, and Rory was single. Who saw that coming?

"Rory sugar, Morrie and I are gonna walk you home, okay? Don't want you to get raped. Not that in Stars Hollow there are any rapists, but some of 'em could have migrated over from New York, you know? Let me tell ya, when I was your age, walking down the streets of New York…" Babette proceeded to walk Rory home, all the while recounting the multiple times men got 'handsy with her'. Rory was glad Babette did all the talking, because she was so moody lately she probably would have cracked and started wailing about her dead love-life if Babette had asked her a question.

After saying goodnight to Morrie and kissing Babette on the cheek, she walked up the stairs to her huge, empty house. She grabbed her keys out of her purse, opened the front door and kicked off her shoes in frustration. Why was it that when she needed her mother to offer support and advice, she was too busy getting married to Luke? Oh, how awful she sounded. Her mother, who sacrificed a myriad of things for her, including a high school diploma, was finally getting her day in the lime light, and she was being ungrateful and self-centered. The last time this had happened, she had missed her mother's graduation from Hartford Community College. And Rory was determined not to do that to her again. Especially not during something as important as her wedding.

"I'm just going to have to forget that I have not had sex in three years and be happy that my mother is getting married." She said aloud, enjoying the echo of it in the eerily silent house.

"That's quite a goal. You should put that on a shirt, get other people in on the cause."

Rory screamed. There was someone in the house. Worse still, they were sarcastic. She slowly turned to the source of the voice, seated in the living room. She saw the dark hair, the worn leather jacket, and the amused expression he so often wore. She gasped, because she honestly thought that she would never see him again. She took in the sight of change, warmth, the best kind of rebellion, and all the other things he had represented to her, the things she missed more than she could tell. She had always despised when heroines did this in books, because it seemed flighty and weak. But she had to. She whispered his name in awe and fear. She was surprised by how raw her voice sounded, for she had grown accustomed to the way she cloaked it with the "I'm fines", the constant reassurance that she wasn't, in fact, lonely as hell. But as the name she had said so many times before slipped through her parted lips, her voice was one that she recognized as the one that cried in the middle of the night. Vulnerable and desperate.

"Jess."

He took her in, almost wearily. What had he expected? The same teenage Rory, chubby-faced, perhaps wearing her Chilton uniform? He looked over the creased linen pants, the tired bags under her eyes, and started to feel stupid. What was he thinking, showing up out of the blue? He had been invited to the wedding, but Luke had warned him (in his vague Luke way) to stay away from her. Jess stared at her startlingly blue eyes, comically out-of-place on her business-woman demeanor, the only hint of what Rory used to be.

Rory watched Jess looking her up and down and felt distasteful and shallow. She was Rory Gilmore. She knocked men off their feet when she was younger, and years of experience could only add to this skill. And furthermore, why was she so incredibly horny and angry about her love life? Her relationships had always been an important part of her life; from the moment she had turned 16 she had rarely been without a love interest. But when she swore off men to focus on her career, she also estranged the part of her that had gotten used to waking up next to someone and dressing for someone and even just remembering what someone's favourite foods were when she ordered out. And this had become, ironically enough, more distracting than any conceivable relationship. So, rationally, it was okay to date again, and she was slowly opening up that option once more. But with Jess? Disgusted that the first thing she had felt was an emotion not out of place in a medieval bodice-ripper, she compensated by tightening her jaw, standing up straighter, and looking him square in the eyes.

Jess watched Rory biting her lip, as she did so often after they had kissed as teenagers. He took it that she was thinking, and bemusedly watched as her eyes fell to the ground, then around his midriff, then to the sleeve of his jacket, all the while looking but not seeing. He expected her to remain silent, and to wait for him to say something else, but he wondered how to express all of the remorse and hope he felt for their relationship (past, present, and future) with a few select phrases. Just as he opened his mouth to shower her with witticisms, apologies, and explanations, she moved her gaze up to his eyes, meeting his surprised stare with her cold blue glare. He involuntarily smiled. She was back. She had lost the guilt and self-pity that had dragged her down and was adorned, once again, by a sense of ambition and self-purpose. He was nervous now, for he knew that any charming, half-assed "Sorry for not calling… but not really" speeches would be met with chilly tones and a sharp tongue. So he said the only thing he could think of, something he was sure would splinter the ice that formed between them both just now and over the non-communicative years they had spent apart. It was a small wedding detail, completely irrelevant to what was happening now, that Luke had mentioned in passing as they shared a quiet and awkward-in-a-nice-way conversation on the phone a few days earlier.

"I heard your mom got Sookie to make little cupcakes with the Bangles' faces iced on." He was almost sure she would laugh derisively in his face when she didn't respond immediately. She stared at him, slightly baffled, and then gave a wry laugh.

"Yeah, well, she had to sacrifice the original menu for that. She wanted everything to be junk food, but Luke was just as stubborn about having regular wedding food available. I think the Bangles cupcakes were decided on under the condition that the appetizers would include food groups other than Mallomars and Pop Tarts." She grinned, reminded of the lengthy rant Lorelai had gone on when Luke slyly added Chicken and Beef to the Pizza and Wings she had thought up. When she saw Jess laugh, something inside her brought her back to being seventeen, and she felt better than she had in months. Everything around her was moving forward, and here was a memory from her Chilton days. It was like finding her old uniform in her wardrobe last May, or seeing Madeline and Louise at Paris's Hanukkah Bash. Only Jess was so much better. Jess was here, just for her, to talk to her. She missed him more than she realized, and she wanted nothing more than to reach out and hug him and be taken back to the safer, better Rory. She wanted to feel okay, and she knew that Jess would help her get there, just by talking to her. Jess had always been able to make Rory go crazy thinking about him, but he also had a calming power, that made her feel like the world wasn't so bad after all. And she needed this more than ever right now. She needed him. But she was also wary, and suspicious of why he was here. It would be just like him to stand there, listening to her pouring her heart out, and then say he just needed to do some laundry, and was wondering if he could help her out with that. She had to cut through the confusion now, mostly because they were out of laundry detergent.

"What are you doing here?"

"I just wanted to see you. I'm sorry for just coming in, but I figured you'd be here, seeing as it's your mom's big day and all. Where were you, by the way?" He checked her outfit over again, trying to deduce if she had been out with a guy.

"Town meeting. Had to discuss all the hooligans breaking in to people's houses nowadays." She added that last comment with a bit more bite, angry that he had surveyed her tired, crumpled work clothes with a skeptical glance.

"Hey, the door was unlocked. Besides, anyone breaking in to this house would find nothing but Sephora catalogues and take-out containers." Jess shot back, smiling.

Rory then realized that there was one thing that could make this conversation less awkward, that had never failed to work it's unifying magic on any of her previous relationships: food.

"Do you want something to eat? We have… a phone." Grinning sheepishly at the fact that the joke about the take-out containers had been nothing but true, she looked him straight on, willing herself to be the old confident, attractive Rory.

"I'm starved. But, are you sure you want me to stay? If this is uncomfortable for you…" he trailed off, evidently hoping she'd jump in if it was.

"No. No, of course not. Jess, you're an old friend! I'm glad you're here. I want you to stay. Really." She was sincere, but she knew she sounded cheery and fake. To compensate, she grabbed the phone from under a stack of magazines and declared, "But we are having Indian and liking it!"

"Fine. But we get to watch what I want on TV. Deal?"

"Deal."


	2. Chapter 2

_I'm dreaming. I'm dreaming about having crappy Indian food with Jess on my mother's couch. I'm that lonely. _Rory had been shocked when Jess had shown up. But when reality had sunk in and she had realized that it was more likely that her loneliness had caused her to hallucinate Jess rather than him actually being here, she felt disappointed. And confused. Why Jess? Why hadn't her psyche conjured up the cute intern from the paper? Or that guy who she sometimes saw on the subway who worked in the building next to her, the one with the thick eyebrows and fine cheekbones? He wore a wedding ring, but surely holy matrimony had no place in her hallucinations?

The idea of holy matrimony jolted her, and she immediately felt the gnawing sensation that accompanied thoughts of Lorelai's marriage. Willing herself to be in the moment and to enjoy what was left of this dream, she turned to Jess and opened her mouth. Then she realized she had nothing to say. He turned and looked at her intently, waiting. Horrified, Rory said the first thing that came to her mind, as she often did during the first few weeks of talking to her first boyfriend Dean.

"What are you wearing to the wedding?" She blurted, turning red and inwardly kicking herself.

"A tux, I guess. I'm supposed to be Luke's best man, since his only other option is TJ". Jess smiled. No matter how mature his mother and his old friends claimed he now was, there was a sick part of him that loved to have the upper hand in a relationship. He craved control, to know that there was no competition, and to generally be the cooler customer. Seeing Rory agitated and nervous was a pleasant surprise, and while he loved her when she was witty and on the top of her game, being greeted by having the upper hand rewarded to him had initially been his intent when he broke into her house. He did not want the last couple of times they had spent time together to cause Rory to lash out, and ruin any chance he had of… what? Re-kindling an old flame? Ugh. He needed to get out of his head.

"Luke actually wanted us to wear very formal tuxedos and bowties for the ceremony." Jess offered.

"Oh yeah?" Rory was relieved that she hadn't screwed things up with her question more suited to an episode of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

" Yeah. He's very traditional. Apparently he flipped when Lorelai wanted to wear anything other than white the first time around." Jess froze. He had not meant to bring up the couple's plights, which was definitely a touchy subject around the majority of the town. In fact, the only way he had heard their on-again-off-again relationship being referred to was as a 'colourful past'. He was about to change the subject when he looked at Rory's face. She was looking at him with a sort of admiration. Her features were no longer pinched, worn, and tired. Instead, she looked calm, pensive, and bemused.

"'The first time around. '" She repeated. She looked at him closely. Then she smiled. "Finally. Goddamn it! Finally!" She beamed, and laughed openly at the taken aback look on Jess's face.

"Rory!" Jess had never heard her swear with such abandon. And he was amazed at the relaxation he now saw in her face. He watched her almost reproachfully as she reached over and turned off _Community_, afraid that she had lost it. He watched as the faces on the old television slowly faded. They had been both surprised and happy when they found that they both loved the NBC comedy. It was a brand new fact, something they now needed to attach to the other's personalities, and yet it was incredibly fitting. He turned to look at her, and found an almost hungry look on her face.

"Finally! Someone mentions that accursed past that they shared! I mean, seriously! No one wants to discuss the fact that they were both married to other people before, or that they broke up a bunch of times, or that they each have a child with someone else! It's so frustrating!" Rory stopped and looked at Jess, wide-eyed, as though she had just realized what she said.

"I know! This entire freakin' town is intent on making it look like they had a fairytale romance. It's sickening."

"It is."

"It's too conservative."

"It is! What's wrong with a past? It makes them interesting. It just means that they found each other and that they still love each other, and it's rare and wonderful!" Rory looked flushed and giddy.

"Hang on, I need some paper, we need this to be the wedding toast to top all wedding toasts."

"They belong with each other. If I were them, I'd be proud of all of the chains I'd shaken off to get married." Rory stopped when she saw the smile drop off of Jess's face. It was replaced by a worried look, but his eyes were fierce.

"Hey. Don't you dare for a second even think, even _entertain the thought,_ that you are not the sole reason for your mother's existence. She loves you, and you have never, not once, gotten in the way of any of her relationships." Jess paused, worried he had crossed a line.

Rory stared at him. She was caught completely off guard by this blatant reminder that Jess was… well, Jess. She had said things like this to everybody, little hints that she was afraid of being forgotten by Lorelai in favour of Luke, but no one had ever taken her seriously. They all figured it was a phase, something silly she was going through, nothing to worry about. She had been so good at being happy for her mother when she was younger, helping her get ready for dates, discussing guys with her, and generally being a good sport about her dating life. Nowadays, she was scared shitless of what her mother might do without her, of getting an unexpected sibling, of watching her mother drift away from her. It was funny how the most basic human instincts, loving and supporting your mother for example, died out and left you empty when you grew up. Jess had listened to her, had understood her, and had comforted her. He had spoken to her, looked her in the eye, and had left any bullshit checked at the front door. She felt inexpressible gratitude welling up inside of her. She felt an ache in her throat, and some pressure behind her eyes. She realized she was putting a whole lot of effort into not crying, and just as she reached this conclusion, she stopped resisting. She let go of everything. She felt her body shut down, and she heard a voice in the back of her mind, a stupid little radio jingle she had heard about ice cream at Burger King the other day. _Just melt. _So she did.

Jess saw something in Rory's face change quickly and drastically. In an instant, he was on the other side of the couch cradling her shaking body. She cried with abandon, not worrying about how she looked or how her actions might be perceived. She clung to Jess, burying her face into his chest and breathing in his cologne and the Indian food. She was comforted and began to feel a sense of overwhelming peace take over her body; she felt better than she had in months.

"Rory…" Jess started, looking uncomfortable. He wanted so badly to be there for her, to be able to comfort her and hold her and play an important role in her life from now on. He wanted to talk to her every day, for hours on end. He needed to touch her, to twirl her hair between his fingers and poke her elbow during terrible movies and nudge her feet during long hours of watching television. For the first time in his adult life, he wanted to wake up next to someone, not just sleep with them.

But he was afraid. And he knew the worst part of fear. People often talked about being paralysed with fear, but he was too closely acquainted with fear to be fooled by that empty promise; he would much rather choose to be frozen and stuck than do what fear always led him to do. He painfully recalled the many times he had fled this town and left Rory behind, always running away like a coward. Yet the commitment it required to be with someone in the way he wanted to be with Rory was scary. He would have to seriously consider things like labelling their relationship, moving in together, and even marriage at some point. That was too much.

Rory looked up at him expectantly and wearily when he said her name, and looked crestfallen when he gathered up her hands and pushed them gently back towards her body. She felt her face cave in when he avoided her eyes. Her worst fears were confirmed when he stood up and mumbled an apology, causing her breath to stop and start again only when the door and closed as meekly and quietly as he had made his excuses. She hated that sound, though it was new to her specifically. She had read enough, watched enough, listened and observed enough in her life to know what it was. That quiet soundtrack of doors barely hitting doorframes to spare feelings, accompanied by the soles of shoes slapping the steps that led away from you, that was what Rory secretly feared above all else. She could make excuses to her mother, grandmother, even to Lane about why she wasn't dating and attribute it to her busy schedule and resolution not to let dating interfere with her professional life. She had done that and she hadn't bothered to correct them when they assumed, years later, that it was why she still didn't get into relationships. Rory alone knew what the true vow she had made to herself was.

After three serious and failed relationships, she had wondered if the old adage about having your heart abused was true. She had loved freely and had always allowed herself to fall, and yet it had caused her nothing but torment. She suspected her romantic life was too dramatic after reflecting on that fact that her first boyfriend, who she had left for a boy who fled to New York at the first sign of trouble, had gotten out of his marriage when she lost her virginity to him. Logan hadn't been too bad, but she had truly been introduced to wanting and needing someone who couldn't be there, and she had been wary about that kind of passion afterwards. The proposal was really the thing that haunted her from that relationship; breaking Logan's heart and throwing away the years she had spent with him the second she graduated college closed off her heart for good. She had promised herself that she wouldn't date or fall in love again, in order to spare herself the agony and heartache she associated with love. And that was the vow she had been about to break with Jess seconds ago.

Rory wiped her face and closed her eyes. She had lost it in front of Jess, and she had been rejected. That was definitely going to make seeing him at the wedding more difficult. She remembered the raw sadness in her mother's eyes when her father had left her at Sookie's wedding years ago. She had been presented with some excellent men in her life, but the catch was that she had also seen the ugly side, the commitment issues and the cowardly tendencies that came right along with the wit and the looks. She felt angry all of a sudden. Angry at the quiet backing away and fleeing she had just seen and had seen in her life often before. Angry at the silence that met her words, the nervousness that met her certainty, the evasiveness that met her desperation. She was mostly angry that she had let her guard down, and that she had been so ready to forget her principles and rules. All for a boy. Rory furrowed her brow and felt her anger translate onto her face, and this surprised her into laughing. She was so used to being alone and feeling things deep inside of her that this expression of emotion was new and almost welcome. Grinning for absolutely no reason at all, she feared she had lost it again. Wasn't she supposed to feel like crap, having been rejected? Maybe there was an upside to being prepared for love. She wasn't as severely affected. She decided to look at this missed chance as an opportunity like the old Rory would. She needn't go into town until the wedding, so she could avoid running into Jess. _Plus, _she thought, _I won't be shocked to see Jess and have my guard down in front of all of those people. I won't wonder 'what if' after the wedding either; he just answered that question for me. _Pleased that she had made the best of this, she looked at the door one last time, wondering if wanting him to come back and kiss her was part of getting over Jess for what felt like the umpteenth time.


End file.
